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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28809414">Reliance</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karen_Hart/pseuds/Karen_Hart'>Karen_Hart</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Xenosaga</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Brotherly Love, Headaches &amp; Migraines, Hurt/Comfort, Hypnotism</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:34:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,685</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28809414</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karen_Hart/pseuds/Karen_Hart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set 4 years prior to Episode I.  When Jr. is most vulnerable Gaignun is there for him.  Can be taken romantically or platonically as the reader prefers.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Reliance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Reliance</strong>
</p><p>by Karen Hart</p><p> * * *</p><p><em>How could there be light without brightness</em> <em>or fire without warmth?</em></p><p>There was a red glow all around him, but no matter which direction he turned all Rubedo could see was a deep gray nothingness. Even as the glow intensified it remained ever out of his field of vision, resistant to being pinned down, analyzed, understood. All he could perceive was a threat. He tried to twist away from it but that was becoming more and more difficult as it drew closer to him--or he drew closer to it. <em>Don't let it touch me.</em> The glow transformed into a massive heat, a searing wound in the universe itself and that wound started with--</p><p>With a shout he was ejected from a world of terror to a world of pain as a massive headache exploded across his skull. He squeezed his head with both hands and scrunched his eyes shut in an attempt to reduce the throbbing. No use. Nausea welled up and he flung the covers off of himself and made a dash for the bathroom, nearly falling on his face when his foot got caught in the blanket. He reached the toilet in time and began to retch, each heave adding to his misery. Eventually--shaking, eyes watering, nose dripping and mouth tasting awful--he stopped.</p><p>He brushed his teeth frantically, trying to get the vomit-taste out. Good enough. He slumped down to the floor, his forehead pressed against the sink cabinet door. His headache had to come to an end at some point. It had to. He thought of the half-empty box of painkillers in the drawer of his nightstand but going there meant moving again. Oh God his head hurt. It was everywhere, behind his eyes, wrapped around his skull, hot and dull and sharp all at once. Staying still was unbearable; moving made it worse.</p><p>This time he'd have to force himself back to bed. He didn't have the urge to puke his guts up to propel him across a room. He clenched his jaw, bracing himself. Then there was the slightest pressure on his mind and he shrieked briefly in juvenile humiliation. He sensed contrition. Then it was followed by a gentle coolth that began at the base of his skull and started to spread up and outwards: Gaignun. As the pain faded he could finally start to think, and what he thought was that it was a <em>stupid</em> dream. Albedo wasn't even in it. If he had been, the pain might have been worth it. The soothing touch on his mind began to recede and Jr. (he was Gaignun Kukai, Jr. now, not Rubedo, not anymore) winced in apology. He shouldn't have let that thought get through the link. It wasn't fair to Gaignun.</p><p>The touch resumed, tinged with a sense of . . . understanding? Acceptance? The ache was reduced to a barely perceptable dull pulse. Jr. remained on the bathroom floor, still afraid to move in case it brought on fresh pain. He heard the hiss-thunk of the apartment door opening and shutting, footfalls across the carpet. A tall body sank down in the doorway and he felt a large warm hand on his head. Cautiously Jr. looked over at Gaignun. "You didn't have to come all this way."</p><p>"I did." In fact the distance wasn't that great. They and the Godwin sisters each had a private apartment on the top floor of the Kukai Foundation's administrative highrise, so it was really just a single hallway's journey. Gaignun pulled his hand away and settled back. He'd only taken enough time to pull on a pair of loose drawstring pants.</p><p>"I woke you up, didn't I?"</p><p>Gaignun nodded. "Before you ask, my head's fine." They sat there in silence: brothers, a man in his early twenties, tall and black haired, and a thin, redheaded preteen boy. No one would believe the boy was the elder of the two. "So what happened?"</p><p>Jr. shifted and shrugged. "I don't know. I guess . . . it was sort of dark, and hot, and I wanted to get away, but I couldn't." It didn't really express what he'd seen and felt, but he wasn't sure how to describe it. Any images had faded, leaving only contextless terror and helplessness behind, and he wasn't inclined to drop what impressions remained in Gaignun's head.</p><p>Gaignun frowned. "I wish you'd let me do something about thes--"</p><p>"No!" For a moment they both looked stricken, for different reasons. Jr. looked away, then back at Gaignun. It was still dark in his apartment but the glow from the city lights through the bedroom's large plate glass window at least made shapes recognizable. He didn't need to see Gaignun's face to know the man's expression was once again calm and patient. "I don't--I never get to see him anymore. If the nightmares went away, maybe I'd never see him at all. I know he's still out there, but I'm--" It was difficult even to admit he was afraid. They'd been so careful to build this safe, comfortable bubble of a world. Admitting Albedo's existence into it would bring it all crashing down. He wasn't ready for that.</p><p>Tucking a leg under him, Gaignun nodded. "I understand." He really did. "But if you've started having headaches. . . ."</p><p>Jr. shook his head. "I'll be okay. They're not usually this bad." Then his mouth slammed shut.</p><p>"Usually?" Damn, Gaignun had caught that. "How long has this been going on?"</p><p>As Jr. tried to look away he felt a hand under his chin. He had to look up. "Jr.," he heard Gaignun say in the <em>don't bullshit me</em> tone. The boy managed to drop his gaze a bit. "A couple months," he admitted finally, face burning. He hated being treated like a child even if he knew that sometimes he needed to be.</p><p>Damn, damn, damn. Gaignun's jaw clenched. Of course he hadn't known. The <em>Durandal</em> had only been in port for four days. "Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?" he began, then stopped. Of course again. Stupid question. Jr. never admitted weakness or dependence. Gaignun sighed. "If nothing else, at least let me do something for the headaches?"</p><p>Jr. hesitated, then nodded. The nightmares had come off and on for years, but the headaches were a new wrinkle. He wanted to say no, that he could handle it, but it was obvious as he lay slumped on the floor in his bathroom that he couldn't. He couldn't afford to be so debilitated on the <em>Durandal.</em> "All right." He still wasn't looking at Gaignun. He forced himself to be still as his larger brother edged closer to him and he could feel Gaignun's breath on his ear as he whispered an injunction to awaken before pain could register. It wouldn't take effect for a while but Jr. could still feel the hypnosis taking hold of his mind. If ever he could be afraid of Gaignun it was now.</p><p>He knew he shouldn't feel this way. His brother had never done anything that wasn't to help or protect him. But sometimes Jr. wondered if Gaignun might give in to the temptation to 'fix' things.</p><p>Jr. tried to remember precisely what Gaignun had said, but the words were already starting to fade. That was another unsettling aspect of Gaignun's powers, that even knowing what was happening he'd retain only the faintest recollection of what occurred. He realized the headache had finally vanished. His eyes started to drift shut. He really didn't have to worry. It was all right. Gaignun would take care of things for him. Gaignun always would. It was hard to think coherently, better to just let his mind idle.</p><p>He thought he felt something else, a sensation in his mind like a thin silk shroud wrapping around him, comfortable and inviting. His body went slack and he leaned against his brother's chest and felt an arm go around him. His eyes shut completely and he sighed. Muzzy-headed, he thought it was nice to be held sometimes. Or maybe it was nice to hold the one most dear to you. Something like that. It was a shame moments like this were brought on by pain.</p><p>They were like that for a while. Strange half-formed thoughts and emotions flowed between the two of them. There were assurances of loyalty, affection--and other, softer, more nebulous concepts. It occured to Jr. through the haze that he'd begun to doubt Gaignun. He wondered why. He was safest here, with his youngest sibling. His mind reached back to before the Foundation, to Miltia. He and Gaignun--Nigredo--had linked like this, when there wasn't enough blood in Nigredo's body to live on and the only thing keeping him alive was Rubedo's grip on his spirit.</p><p>Gaignun had more than repaid him over the years, Jr. thought. Where did that pang of guilt come from? He didn't think it was his own, and he couldn't imagine why Gaignun would feel remorse towards him. So he let it pass and just enjoyed the haze and the softness.</p><p>Too soon it faded. Jr.'s head started to clear and he wondered about the strange chill he was suddenly feeling. Hadn't he been warm a moment ago? Gaignun sat a couple feet away, an eyebrow slightly raised, face inscrutable. Jr. peered around his bathroom, wondering why he was sitting on the floor and how he'd got there. Right: bad dream, headache. Gaignun had come and dealt with things. There'd been more, hadn't there? No matter, Jr. finally decided, still not quite lucid. Gaignun had asked him something, he realized. Could he get back to sleep now?</p><p>Jr. thought about that. "Yeah. I'll watch something 'til I get drowsy again." He pulled himself upright. Gaignun rose, too. It was turning into early morning. Through the window they could see the <em>Durandal</em> in the distance, lit softly by the artificial predawn light. They walked through the just-lightening apartment together. "And Gaignun?" Jr. said when they reached the door. "Thanks."</p><p>Gaignun ruffled his hair, and for a moment there was silk.</p>
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